Golly Gee, it's been awhile! I think I've grown scared of writing in this thing after The Incident (when my everything got erased). I'm like the kid who just discovered that hot stoves hurt...I'll never have quite the same level of confidence. But here goes....

I want to talk about music. I need some help. Part of my job at Target is to stock all the music and movies and books that come in. I'm realizing that there are A LOT of movies that I haven't seen, but that doesn't bother me so much because most of them look pretty stupid and I can't believe the things that people will spend 16 bucks for the DVD version of. But anyway, this was supposed to be about music. I'm also noticing that there are a lots of bands and artists out now that I've never heard of, which I know is my fault for not listening to the radio or watching Mtv. The radio part is due to the fact that I can't handle any radio stations because of the repetition of crappy songs and the million commercials. The Mtv thing is basically the same...I mean, do they even show videos anymore? Anytime I flip past it's like the Real World 56 or a bunch of people dancing on the beach to some lame somebody rather on stage. Sooooo, the other night I turned on Mtv and there was show on called "Spankin' New," on which they show videos of the latest artists or an old artist's latest album. I thought 'cool' because I figured I would get to hear a lot of those people whose CD's I'm stocking everynight and wondering who the hell they are. And I was right. I saw videos from Ashanti, B2B, Our Lady Peace, Dirty Vegas, Paulina Rubio, I don't know, a bunch of other groups that I can't remember. And the reason I can't remember them is that they ALL SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe the kind of stuff that gets serious air-play. I know at least 7 musicians in my own private life that write better music, I seriously can't believe it. So, the part about me needing help is where I ask you readers to send me some good recommendations. I'm definitely out of the loop since I can't seem to move past U2 and R.E.M and Tori Amos...you know the tried and true. I think the most recent artists I've been into were Coldplay, India.Arie and Badly Drawn Boy - and they're not even recent anymore. I mean, I know there's good new stuff out there, I just don't know where to find it, cuz it ain't happenin' at Target. Even if it's an old artists that you think I might like....please help me!!!! My e-mail address is scoobisnac2000@yahoo.com. I would LOVE to hear from you!!!!!

And there's another thing that kind of bothered me. In the hour and a half or so that I was watching Mtv, there was only one song that I thought interesting and, I don't know, is catchy too dorky of a word? And guess what it was!! Freakin' Eminem (Ahhhhhhh!!!). Some song called "Without Me" where he talks about how awesome he is and how the controversy he causes on Mtv is what keeps it interesting and how everyone's just bored to tears without him and all this stuff. Ok, so it wasn't ground-breaking or anything. I agree with him about how controversy keeps things interesting, and it's hard to disagree with him that he says that he's just trying to be himself and that people want to censor him and everything. I guess I just can't dig on his causes. I mean, homophobic misogyny just isn't my thing, you dig? So I guess it bothered me that I could dig his song. I mean, don't you hate it when you can't stand a person's politics but you like their art? I feel like I'm betraying myself or something. And I'm wrestling, too, with how I feel about his politics. I mean, it's obvious that I don't agree with him, but if I just go around disliking him and talking smack about him, aren't I just as bad as, say, the religious right, who I wish would just chill out and let people live? I think I'm asking for help in this area, too. I think it's an interesting discussion and I would love to hear what other people have to say about it. So write to me!

I WAS planning on sitting down to try to re-write my entry from the other night, but that's all gone now. Basically, I had been talking about how strange it was for me to realize that all my co-workers are married with children, even though most of them are about my age. Then I was talking about divorce and blah blah blah. I want to talk about something different now, but relationships all the same.

I got a letter from a friend today in which he was mentioning that women are basically phonie balonies when they say that they want sensitive men. He was pointing out that he is a sensitive man and good listener, to boot, but that women (possibly as a result of those qualities in him) end up thinking about him in strictly friendship terms. He has decided to treat women the way they say they don't want to be treated, and see how far that gets him (I'm thinking and hoping that last part was said kind of tongue-in-cheek).

Now, I have to say that I am no exception to the women-go-for-assholes phenomenon. I can't explain this, I have no idea where it comes from and why we do it. Hmm, but that's not really true because I know it has a lot to do with self-esteem. I guess our choices in men are reflections of how we view ourselves and what we think we deserve. So my advice to my friend would be to seek out women who have a stronger sense of self. They are the ones who will appreciate his finer points.

I'd like to think that I'm past going for jerky boys. I mean, right now I wouldn't dream of dating another one, which I think has to do with me having grown up and seen enough to know what will make me happy in the long run. Time will tell.

The other part of this is that I think the jerky men (and women) are all about low self-esteem as well. It takes a strong person to be able to be with an AMAZING person and still feel like you are okay, or that you are deserving of that person. So it makes sense that those with serious self-doubts will choose to put-down the people that they are in relationships with. As long as you are able to keep them doubting themselves, they will be afraid to leave you. So I think that those with a stronger sense of self will automatically want to be with somebody who helps them to shine, rather than blocks their light from escaping.

And in this area I know I'm getting better. I want to glow, dangnabbit!

This is my rather simplistic take on things, but it's as much as I know about all this (or as much as I feel like writing about it anyway). I only know cool people (aren't all people cool?), so it's my hope that all my friends will end up with people who appreciate them and treat them like the cool people that they are. Life is SO SO SO SO short. No need to waste it with people who bring us down...we are better off alone.

ARRRRRGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just spent an entire hour writing, and then my connection was lost and it ALL went away!!!!!!!!! It was brilliant, too. :) This is why I still write snail-mail. Dammit!!! I'll try to reconstuct it when I regain my foolish sense of false security in technology.

Aha! And my wish for mindless and menial work at Target is realized!!! I'm a happy little clam these days. Boy, those clams sure ARE happy, aren't they?

I was asked to come in last night at 10:00 for orientation. It was all going so well...the loss protection lady cut her normal 11/2 presentation down to 10 minutes just because she knows that, moreso than any other shift, overnight workers don't give a CRAP. Plus, I think she just wanted to get home. My manager cut back his presentation as well, and the whole thing looked like it would be wrapped up in about two hours. Then the whole shift went on break, so he made the four of us new-hires go too, and after that they had this cheesy "huddle" thing where everybody gathered and listened to all the new info. The manager took that opportunity to introduce my cohorts and I to the crowd (about 50 people), made me wave and everything. I couldn't believe how many people still worked there from before (3 1/2 years ago)! The difference is that now there are a whole bunch of Hispanic workers there, so all of the things mentioned in the huddle were also translated and the whole thing took twice as long. It was awesome, though. I'm so excited about having the chance to speak Spanish everynight. At one point I had to translate a video about bloodbourne pathogens to the two Spanish-speaking new-hires. Talk about challenges!

Anyway, after the huddle, I was waiting outside this room to get my ID picture taken, and I heard somebody say "Hi Kisa." I turned to see this guy named Brian who used to be the manager of the shift when I worked there before, but who now apparently just changes displays or something. Anyway, the funny thing to note about this guy is that when I worked there before I had the HUGEST crush on him. It used to drive me crazy, couldn't sleep, all that jazz. So, like the smarty I am, on my last day, I decided I needed to TELL him about the crush, made a total fool out of myself getting all red-faced and stuff. He was like, wondering why I chose my last day to mention it, all this...but he never gave me the impression that he returned the feelings. No big deal, I was about to leave for sunny California! I got over it. So now, 3 1/2 years later and the guy has to STILL be working there. When I saw him yesterday, I was thinking 'what on earth did I ever see in this person?!' He is one of those people (and as I hinted at before, the majority of the night crew is like this) who just seems to hate life or something. Super quite, super disillusioned, smoker, plays paintball for kicks, has shaved head - looks like a skin head, has worked at the same job he can't stand for over five years. Sounds dreamy, right? Then I realized that he was actually just my type, for the time when I was interested in him. I don't understand this...I LOVE life, I'm not disillusioned, I hate to sit in corners and scowl and be lazy and I don't fancy the idea of pelting my friends with little balls of paint. Opposites attract, I guess they say. But I'm done with all that. I used to be attracted to the shy boys because I thought they must have some really interesting thoughts going on in their heads. It took me dating three of them before I realized that they're really NOT thinking anything interesting at all, which is why they aren't saying anything. Ok, so maybe that's a harsh stereotype. I'm sure that there are plenty of interesting shy boys out there (I know quite a few interesting shy girls), but I just don't want to date them. People who wear their emotions on their sleeve...that's what I like. No guessing, no always wondering if they're REALLY having fun or not. Yes, I lost interest in the shy boys a while ago.

So now I'm faced with the task of trying to work with somebody whom you used to like, and behaving in a way that makes it clear that you are no longer interested. Cuz don't you just HATE when you know that somebody thinks that you like them and they're like trying to avoid you and stuff and you want to tell them (or convince them) that you don't really like them but you know that if you do it's gonna seem like you really DO like them?! That sucks. The store's pretty big, though, I should have no problem avoiding contact.

So, after that run-in, we had to go back for more training...this STUPID interractive CD-Rom about safety that lasted an entire hour!!! There was this little robot that you had to make do all this safe stuff like mop up spills, help a guy who had fallen and whose head a huge box of detergent had landed on (picture this in cheesy, primary-colored, low-tech graphics), and put out a fire that some little kid had started in the automotive aisle. The thing took way too long and was so, so boring and sleep-inducing at 2:00 in the morning. The best part was when they introduced the codes for the intercom...code yellow = missing child, code red = fire, code green = somebody hurt. The robot would get on the phone and say three times "code yellow, garden, code yellow, garden, code yellow, garden" in this total robot voice that I decided I'm gonna use if I ever have to make such an announcement. No influxion, just the robot facts. Then they'll know just how well I was paying attention during my orientation. I hate when execs approach techies and ask them to develop interesting training tools about subjects that could never possibly be interesting. A whole HOUR of that stupid robot!!!!!!! Anyway, it WAS pretty funny, I got a good kick out of the ridiculousness.

I've gotta get ready for work now. I promise I won't talk about work all the time...unless something really exciting like a code green happens.

If any of you readers don't believe that romantic love can last, I would like to offer Exhibit A...My Parents, who are an extraordinary example to the contrary.

Today my parents celebrated their 26th Wedding Anniversary, and I have to say that they are, by far, the most romantic couple I know. They went out yesterday night because they wanted to go the the Botanical Gardens, which aren't open today, and planned on having a picnic there. The undying sweetie, my Dad planned for some friends of his to surprise my Mom and asked them to set up a beautiful spread of decadent food and dessert, flowers, and candles, which were waiting for them when they got there. They spent three hours in the gardens, sitting among the flowers and talking. And that is the thing that is amazing to me about my parents...after 26 years, they never run out of things to talk about. My Mom has told me that sometimes they will go to bed, but before they know it, it's like 2:00 in the morning and they're still awake, talking to each other.

As I mentioned, my Mom was out of town last weekend. On the second day she was gone, I noticed a little pad of paper sitting on the kitchen counter that had my Dad's handwriting on it. I started reading down what seemed like a list of the day's events, and I figured out that he was keeping a list of things he wanted to remember to tell my Mom about when she called that night. I teased him about it, and he said it was true...he wanted her to know everything, didn't want to leave anything out. How cute is THAT???!!!!

My parents still hold hands when they walk around the mall or go to outdoor festivals. My Dad still opens car doors for my Mom. They are there in support of each other whenever one of them gets involved in a project or organization that is important to them. They still listen attentively to each other and laugh in all the funny places when one of them is telling a story to a new acquaintance....even though they've each heard each others' stories hundreds of times before. My parents still sneak a card in the suitcase, when one of them is going out of town. My Mom still sports a smile at my Dad's corny jokes (mostly), and my Dad loves nothing more than to watch my Mom when she's laughing so hard she's about to pee. They are each others' best friends, and they call each other four times a day while they're apart.

When I've reached uninspiring places in past relationships, I used to try to tell myself that that was just the normal progression...that love fades and that sooner or later, people get realistic. My parents just keep on shattering this self-lie for me. Don't get me wrong...it's not like they haven't had challenges in their marriage. The difference is that they saw them as just that...not endings, but new opportunities for their love to grow. They are each others' biggest fans, each others' eternal support and intimate friendship. When they look at each other, there is still a spark in their eyes.

My parents have taught me many, many things over the years. The most important thing they've taught me, however, is about love, because they know how to be in love better than anybody I've ever known, and I thank them for it.

Happy Anniversary, Ma and Pa.

Mmmm...peeing into cups. What a strange thing. Actually, the peeing into the cup part is not the weird thing. It's the carrying the cup out of the bathroom, handing it to someone else, and watching them pour it into a smaller cup that is kind of goofy.

I had to take a drug test to work at Target. Can you believe that? I didn't have to do that when I worked as the stranger danger talk girl, going into different elementary and middle schools everyday, left to influence youth!!!!. But Target, evidentally, is real concerned. Oh well, it's kind of a nice feeling to take a test that you already KNOW you're gonna pass...kind of reassuring. They'll get the results in a couple of days, and then I'll have my old, manual labor job back. Lifting and climbing and opening and stocking and throwing stuff down from high places from 10:00pm to 6:00am. I can't think of any sort of work I'd rather be doing right now.

I have made a startling and disturbing discovery during my time here, and that is that COLORADO DRIVERS ARE THE WORST DRIVERS EVER!!!!!! First I thought that Arizona drivers were bad...and they were, especially the ones in golf carts. Then I thought Cleveland drivers were bad...and they were, nobody could cut you off and then slow down with greater skill than they could. But Colorado drivers, it's like they have all the horrible elements rolled into one. They are slow, but that's okay by me...I'm not usually in a hurry to get anywhere. They do the cutting-off-slowing-down thing. Yeah, that's bad. They have no clue how to merge, and THAT is really annoying. But the worst part is the red-light running. I swear it happens at every single stop light, every single time. It occurred to me the other day, that the reason they do this is because they can. I haven't seen a police car in the entire two weeks that I've been here, and that is just so WEIRD for somebody coming from San Jose. It lends weight to the theory that people will do what they can get away with. And that's incredibly depressing to me because I hate that theory!!! I always wanted to believe that people do what's right because it's the right thing to do, not because they are afraid of the fallout it they DON'T do it. Poopie poopie!!!

People from other parts of the country are horrified by California drivers (which I think comes mainly from the fact that California drivers drive so fast ) It is my contention, however, that while California drivers are assholes, they are considerate assholes, if that makes any sense. I mean, they will cut you off, yes they will. But California drivers KNOW how to cut you off. They pull in front of you and then they get the hell out of Dodge. And they DEFINITELY are the best mergers I have seen in all my travels. Plus, they can parallel park, they signal with more frequency than others (believe it or not), and they hardly ever dare to drive in the carpool lane unless they are qualified to do so. My parents say that it's getting worse out here, and I hope it doesn't continue on that trend, but only time will tell.

All the wildfires are still burning, and the skies are still pretty yucky-looking, but apparently the winds are working in the favor of the fire fighters now. They discovered that the largest fire (which is only 5% contained!) was started by an illegal campfire. That is really hard to even think about, so I won't.

Anyway, aside from peeing in cups, bad drivers, and uncontrollable wildfires, things are peachy keen here in Colorado. I'm employed, I'm well-rested, I'm in the company of my sweet little dog and my swell parents, and I STILL have all my limbs!!!!! I'm really excited about that last one.

Last night I dreamed I was babysitting Nicole's baby. For any of you who don't know Nicole, she's my best friend (whom I've know since eigth grade), and she's really, really pregnant. It was a cool dream, complete with the sensation of holding the baby against my shoulder, and the smell of baby head. In my dream, the baby was really chubby, which was surprising because Nicole is tiny, and I don't think the baby will be heavier than six pounds in real life. Anyway, it was SO awesome, and I can't wait to be an Aunt!!!

Today's kind of a sad day in Colorado. It seems that half the state is ablaze, and sooty clouds of air have moved in over the entire valley (referred to as the "Front Range), which makes it seem like a giant storm is brewing. It doesn't help that everything is making me want to cry today. I'm not sure why that is, I think I just miss the daily human interraction I left behind in San Jose. I know it's good for me to get away and do some soul-searching, but it's just not really my style, makes me feel naked and abandoned. The good news, however, is that I went for a drive yesterday and found a beautiful park with a view of mountains and jutting rocks just perfect for figuring your life out among. I walked along the trails and sat down for a while and just watched and listened. Have you ever just sat, closed your eyes, and tried to pick out every single separate sound that you could hear? It's incredibly meditative. I had a nice, relaxing run of it until I opened my eyes and realized that the entire ground around my booty was moving. Ants in my sandals and on my feet, I decided to get up and walk again. If any of you want to come visit me in Colorado, I'll take you there (with a blanket). You will not be disappointed.

Yesterday my Dad rented a Harley and went out riding with some of his friends from work. When he got back he and I went for our own ride, and man oh man, it made me miss riding!! This morning we went out again, and as we were about to take this little curve, my Dad broke harder than was necessary for what seemed like no reason whatsoever, and we headed into the curve really slowly. As we were rounding the curve, a HUGE-ass dog walked into the road, and my Dad had to go into the other lane to avoid hitting it. When we were pulling away, he said, "I don't know why I broke like that, I guess I just sensed something."

More proof for my theory that riding motorcycles puts one in-touch with their intuition. It's something about the open air that gets your mind wandering into all these places that you didn't even know existed, and you are all of a sudden the smartest person you know. I was riding on the back of my ex-boyfriend's bike when it occurred to me that he was a lying meanie. I was on the back of his bike when I realized that he was cheating on me. And I was riding a bike that I myself had rented when I figured out who he was cheating on me with. I guess, in a way, I sensed a big-ass dog of my own. But anyway, riding is like that.

Riding around in the hills yesterday made me think of the trip that he and I took out here (from San Jose) a few years ago. Thinking about it now, I can't believe we made it all this way. His starter broke in Yosemite (the very first day) and from there on out we were parking on hills and push-starting it, and leaving the engine running when we got gas. Now, ex-boyfriend was not a big fan of anything that detracted from the sleak and powerful look of his Fat Boy. So a back-rest was not happening, and a nice, cushy, comfortable seat for me was out of the question. I ended up riding all the way out here on what looked like 1/6 of a tire, and it was about as soft. On the last day, about 30 miles away from our final destination, we pulled off the road in the Rockies for a little break. We parked on a hill, but I guess we didn't park up high enough, or else the bike was just SICK and tired of going, because it would NOT start. We pushed and pushed and I don't know if you've ever tried to push-start a Harley on flat ground, but let me tell you it was HARD, and I started to cry after it didn't start on the 7th attempt. Characteristic of ex-boyfriend, he chose to yell at me rather than sympathize. He said, "What are you doing crying?! Crying is not going to get it started!!!!" (in a thick, German accent). He had a point, and his lack of TLC pissed me off...so much so that I put my everything into that last push, and the thing finally kicked up. I'm sure, now, that he did it on purpose (pissed me off), and it worked. All in all, though, I wouldn't have minded sitting on the side of the road and pouting a bit. I had earned the right, had never complained once about my swollen ass and the fact that I was just TIRED of riding behind his big, stupid head. Sorry, I just had to get that out.

So anyway, the bike has been returned, and I've decided that I want to buy one some day. What an incredible thing...to have the wind all around you and to be able to smell all the smells and feel the curves of the road. If you've never ridden (even on the back), you should give it a try. Somehow, in some way, it's like being connected with nature, and we could all use a little more of that (especially us San Jose residents).

And just to clarify, part of what's making me want to cry about everything today has nothing to do with being sad. Do you ever want to cry because everything is just so beautiful? If not, then I'm sure that sounds weird, but I think that everybody I know could identify with this feeling. Because I still haven't been officially hired anywhere and have a lot of time on my hands, I was watching A Baby Story on T.V. earlier today. I don't normally watch that show as I am years away from wanting a baby of my own, and in that state of mind, all the babies on the show come out looking the same. Today was different, though. When the featured Mama's baby came out and the doctor handed him to her, she kept saying, "Oh, my beautiful baby, oh my beautiful baby, thank you God, thank you God." It was the 'thank you God' that got me, got me all choked-up and watery-eyed, thinking about what an amazing thing it really is. And what a gift. In that way, I envy Nicole. Her body is doing the most incredible thing the human body can do...creating new life...a WHOLE NEW LIFE - where there was NOTHING before. It blows my mind, and she is going to be a great, great mother. I can only hope to know that kind of miracle some day.

What a fun day!!!! I woke up this morning without a care in the world (despite the fact that I owe a few different credit card companies a whole bunch of money and I still have no job to speak of). That will probably change soon...I've decided to go back to my old overnight stocking position at Target. Mindless work is just the way to go sometimes.

It's been a Father/Daughter afternoon. Pops came home early from work...we were gonna go to some boring banquet for something rather (I was supposed to step in for the Moms, who left for California this morning for a weekend getaway), but I convinced him that we should stay home and watch the Laker game instead (it wasn't too hard), so I'm killing time in anxious anticipation.

We decided to go to Boston Market for dinner (because my Ma has a problem with mass-produced chicken products, and this was our chance to grub on some for a night), and my Dad did this thing there that was SO typical of my Dad, and cute in that way that it can only be when you're no longer in middle school and embarrassed by this sort of thing. We were ordering, and I ordered this meal that comes with chicken and two sides. My Dad ordered chicken and three sides, and when he saw the plate the guy was gonna put it on, he goes, "when you order three sides are the plates just divided into smaller sections?" (Pops LOVES food! :) He said it in a really serious way, cuz he was, and he sounded just a slight bit upset. The kid who was shlepping the grub looked confused, and my Dad added, "because they looked like the same sized plate." The funny thing is that I was thinking the exact same thing, I just don't think I would have said anything about it. I was asking myself what my Dad was expecting to happen from the exchange (like, the kid couldn't possibly change the size of the plate right then), and then the kid said, "I could give you more of everything," in this way that sounded like he was totally scared. I forget sometimes that my Dad is a 6'4" 220-pound intimidating figure to those who don't know whatta gentle goof he really is. So I guess he got what he wanted out of the deal. The kid rung us up and asked if we wanted drinks in this way like he was expecting my Dad to reach over the counter and grab him by the collar, screaming that "NO, we don't want any damned drinks!!!!!" But we totally wanted drinks, and we just smiled politely.

Sometimes it's nice to eat with men because they don't mind if you're more interested in your chicken than conversation.

Don't get me wrong, I love talking and joking with my Dad, but it's a very low-pressure sort of relationship. And to explain the chicken part...I finally realized why I've always liked that "Swingin'" song so much (the one I mentioned about two weeks ago). It's because of the line where John Anderson says, "Mama's in the kitchen cuttin' chicken up to fry." When I was a little girl, fried chicked was my favorite food in the whole world. Every birthday I wanted to go to this restaurant near Anaheim, California called the Big Yellow House. It was a chicken place made out of this old victorian-style house, and I just LOVED it. There's a picture of me with a big plate FULL of chicken bones sitting in front of me on my 5th birthday. Of course, everybody had been using the plate, but it was a funny picture. Come to think about it, my parents really seemed to dig on that kind of humor. My Dad used to always fall asleep watching T.V. in the evenings (still does, actually). One time, he was lying on the floor on his back in the living room, and my Mom took all these Twinkies out of their wrappers and put the wrappers on his chest and all over the floor around him and then took a picture. It was like he passed out cuz of all the Twinkies or something. Those wacky Konrads! So anyway, I think that when I was little and heard the part about the Mama cuttin' up the chicken, I just let my mind wander and imagined that I would get in on some of that. Cheap cheap, cheap cheap thrills.

Anyway, it's about time for the game, and my Dadio's saving a spot for me on the couch. Go Lakers!!!

Mmmm, remember PeeWee's Playhouse? Of course you do. Well, I've got a word for the day. Today's word is........drumroll.......LOVE (I hope you're all screaming). Why would I pick such a HUGE little word? Because I feel like it, and because I'm presently trying to understand some previously misunderstood facets of this HUGE little word. My thoughts and my desire to understand were prompted by an article I read this afternoon titled, "Is There a Better Way to Love?" I didn't plan on getting much out of this article, seeing as I glanced ahead and saw that it was only three pages long (what can you say in three pages?!), but I decided to go ahead and give it a chance to change my way of thinking (you can say a lot in three pages).

The article was written by a man who was interviewing the Buddhist teacher Joseph Goldstein, founder if the Insight Meditation Society. What he has to offer on the subject is the idea that love and attachment are two separate concepts completely, which cannot possibly co-exist. Goldstein asserts that love is made of a giving energy, and that attachment is based in the act of holding. He says, "We've been bamboozled into thinking that attachment gives us something, provides some security for love. But it doesn't enhance love in any way. How could holding ever enhance giving? Instead of creating a relationship of beauty, attachment creates a bond of fear." Ok, this is something that I've been hearing about for years and years, but I can honestly say that it's never sunk in until recently. I think I finally understand the idea of "if you love something, let it go." I mean, I understood it in the literal sense...if you love your girlfriend, and she goes far far away for college, but she comes back in four years and wants to be together again, well, then that certaining seems like love (if it's meant to be, it'll come back to you). The part that I think I hadn't gotten until now, is that this concept is true even if the test is not letting somebody go in the physical sense. You have to let go even as the person is sitting right beside you. I am reminded of something that somebody once said to me about love. They said, "I don't want to be with somebody because I have to, because I don't think I could live without them. In fact, I want to know that I could live without them, that way I'll know we're together simply because we lift each other up...not because we would sink without each other." Ok, maybe it wasn't said in that many words, but the sentiment remains unchanged, and I think the statement really coincides with the article.

I want to relax in love. I don't want to be jealous, scared, or coast through things with my defenses up. I think that's a BIG part of the problems that people experience in relationships...defenses. When I say coast, it's because I think that having defenses up keeps people from experiencing the depths of love, it's like coasting over the surface of the water instead of just diving in. And I mean love in every area. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just see our loved ones, feel them and what it's like to love and be loved by them, and then just relax instead of trying to control every last little thing? I think so...I'm gonna try letting go a little bit, see where that takes me.

Ok, I don't know why I do this...I guess because I like to torture myself...but I watched Politically Incorrect last night. For anybody who's never seen it, it is a show where four (sometimes qualified) guests join sarcastic and (sometimes) informed Bill Maher for a half hour of debate about politics and current affairs. Though I hadn't seen the show in a long time, it has stayed true to format, usually devolving into a (s)he-who-shouts-the-loudest competition, with the unimaginative audience going along with whoever that loud person might turn out to be. Last night, David Crosby (musician now billing himself as "political activist"), and Kennedy (former MTV V-Jay now billing herself as "author") joined a really smart female author from England and some republican strategist who was going bald WAY too early (you decide if the two descriptions of him are in any way related). Now, it's a shame that I didn't catch the English woman's name, because she was by far the most educated, most articulate, and most sensible person on the show (in my book). Anyway, there were a few debates that ensued that I wanted to comment on.

First, the topic for the majority of the show was nuclear (or, "nucular," if you're the president) power and what we can do to keep Pakistan and India from acting on their threats to use nuclear power against each other and, in the process, blowing us all to smithereens (Don't you just love that phrase? What does it MEAN?!). Anyway, at first I thought that Crosby was gonna be cool, not only because he made really good music once upon a time, but because, after all these years, he still hadn't cut his hippy hair (sound like anybody you know?). When the subject was transporting America's nuclear waste from the 130 separate sites where it is presently housed to the middle of one big mountain (which I think is in Nevada), he had the sensible answer...he and the British woman both thought it ridiculous, given the accident rate of any moving vehicles on America's roads, and considering the little matter of the mountain resting on, like, 23 different fault lines. Ok, points there Davy.

Things got horrible, however, when the British woman brought up the idea of peace, and started questioning why the hell we have to go around KILLING each other, in that silly way that women do. She brought up the 5,000 civilian casualties that we caused in Afghanistan when we decided to flex our muscles and show the Taliban who was boss. She was troubled by the fact that nobody was talking about this, and hinting at the idea that the U.S. Army was, perhaps, a bit hasty. My thought, as she was saying this, is that 5,000 is MORE than died in the World Trade Center. I mean, you can't compare numbers, really, when it comes to innocent human lives lost, but it is shocking to me that it is easy for so many Americans to just blow it off, because, hey, they killed our people FIRST. Kennedy chimed in with, "oh don't worry, those 5,000 were just orphans and old ladies." It would have been funny, if it weren't so fucking unfunny.

Of course, in response to the woman's comments, Bill Maher made fun of her and accused her of being idealistic, not to mention unrealistic and, dammit, British. To my shock and dismay, Crosby was right there with Bill. He was laughing at the lady and when Bill said, "People say that violence doesn't solve anything, while I'd say that violence solves just about EVERYthing," (with an annoying little smirk on his face), Crosby joined in with, "Yeah, and there is a good kind of violence, which is the kind that we use." Yeah, I'm sure that's not EXACTLY what those terrorists were thinking when they flew planes into buildings in the name of their faith. Can't they SEE that it's all violence, no matter what side of the line you're born on and what religion you practice and what you look like and blah blah blah??!!!

At one point, I just got really, really mad. I thought...men (and I am referring to men, specifically) just keep dreaming up new and more efficient ways of killing each other, and WHY???!!! Now we not only have our own "enemies" to worry about, but we have to worry about Pakistan and India and their conflicts and the fact that they both have absolutely NO problem dropping the first bomb/launching the first missile, anything you can imagine. But you know what, as mad as I got, I didn't want to go out and KILL anybody. I'm going to sound like a male-basher, but that's not it...goodness knows I love men. I'm not saying that all men are violent and want to solve problems by killing people. But honestly, how often to women go around harming each other, relatively? And would we ever dream of developing the most deadly weapons that human beings are capable of creating, in order to ensure our place at the head of the proverbial table? I don't think so. So what I say to all you weapon-developing men out there is...you got us into this, now you get us out. Some advice might be needed from the women's camp, so I'm offering this...why don't you try TALKING to each other. I know you'll say I'm also idealistic. And I am.

Mmm, and the Lakers are going to the Championships again. Knowing this helps me get over the fact that it seems Rick Fox will never grow his beautiful curls back :( Oh well.

Nothing too ground-breaking has happened to me today. I haven't started looking for a job, and I didn't even take a bath until about noon. I probably wouldn't have gotten dressed at all if it weren't for the fact that I went out to dinner with my parents and an acquaintance of theirs. Yes yes, I know it's summer and all, but the whole point of me being out here is so that I can make some money and pay of some bills. Somehow, though, time spent with my Ma sitting on the couch and talking about boys seems so much more important for the time being. I promise I'll start looking tomorrow.

I was noticing something horrible at dinner. We went to this restaurant that serves a hunk of bread to each table of people while they're waiting for food. They serve it with this yummy cinnamon butter that is just awesome but I'm sure you can guess that I haven't gotten to the horrible part yet. I noticed that all these people were leaving and there was a ton of bread left on the table just waiting to be thrown away. My friend was mentioning the other day how important bread is in Russia, and how having bread at a meal (or just bread as a meal) is a mark of survival. I'm sure this is true in many parts of the world. And then here we go, in typical American fashion, just throwing it away. I know I sound like a Mom..."Starving children in China" and the whole bit. But you know what? Sometimes our Moms are just right.

Whew, I've just spent my first day in Colorado after exactly 40 hours on the train...and I am happy. A few words to the wise about the train...
1) Don't take the train if you feel you have a schedule to keep. The train will NEVER arrive ANYWHERE on time. It is not for people who want to hurry up and get there so they can start having fun. I don't know anybody like that, so I think we're in good shape, but just a precautionary note.
2) Don't take the train if you like paying less than $15 dollars for a meal. Or just bring your own food, because you will be broke whenever you get to wherever you'e going if you eat on the train.
3) Don't take the train if you have a problem seeing other peoples' asses. There is some kind of nation-wide mooning ritual known as the "Amtrak Salute," and the land-bound just LOVE to introduce us unsuspecting passengers to it.
4) Don't take the train if you are scared of meeting people. They will put you at a table in the dining car with a bunch of strangers and you will be expected to deal. Now, I LOVED this, but some are horrified at stuff like that, so that's just another warning.

Okay, so all that out of the way, let me just say that I had so much fun!!!!!!!!! For anybody who's never been on the train, there are three basic places you can go. You can stay at your seat like a nerd (but there are people to meet there too, so that's cool), you can go to the observation car where the seats face the windows and you can watch the world go by, or you can go to the dining car. You can also go to the bathroom, of course, or the smoking car, or the snack bar/lounge downstairs from the observation car, but those are kind of secondary thoughts. Going any combination of these places will undoubtedly allow you to meet a whole bunch of cool people who you will most likely never see again, but it's an awesome way to spend the time. Actually, I take that back because I met a woman on the train that had met her husband (of nine years) on the train, so how's that?

Just a few things I have to mention in case any readers happen to ever take the train as far as Reno (from the Bay Area). In Sacramento the train picks up a couple of volunteers from the train museum there. These volunteers do narration all the way through the Sierras. They tell a lot of interesting stories and, overall, it's pretty cool (though kind of refreshing, too, when they get off the train in Reno and leave you to formulate your own thoughts about what you're seeing). I was a little concerned, I have to say, when I heard the narrator say that the Chinese workers that helped to build the railroads were paid as much as the white workers. This was a total lie! It is well known that there was a white wage, a black wage, a Mexican wage, and a Chinese wage, and you can all guess who got the most. He DID mention that the Chinese workers bought their own food, but it was made to sound like they did this by choice because surviving on rice alone improved their efficiency or something like that. The other weird thing was, when we went through Donner Pass, he was telling the story of the Donner Party. At the end of the tale, he said, "in the end, of the 89 people who started out, only 47 survived the winter." He cunningly left out any mention of a little thing know as cannibalism, which I was admittedly impressed with. The glossing-over was unmatched. Do they think that we just couldn't handle it if we knew what really went on? I mean, it's not like these things are secrets, and it just works to ruin their credibility. This would be a great time to recommend James Loewen's Lies My Teacher Told Me and Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States, both great myth-dispelling reads, and user-friendly to boot.

So, now that I'm back on unmoving ground, I have to start thinking about a job and the fact of it is incredibly depressing to me. How I would LOVE to just relax and talk to my parents and my dog and write and read and lie around in the sun. Oh well, que sera sera.

Just one last note, cuz my pops wants to use the computer now...I read my horoscope today in the Denver weekly publication that's like San Jose's "Metro." These were the first couple of lines: "I think it's high time you dreamed up a few new vices. The old ones barely tweak your guilty conscience any more, and they certainly don't pack the educational punch they once had." So don't blame me when I take up crack-smoking and whatever else you can let your mind imagine. :)