Sunday, June 09, 2002

Last night I dreamed I was babysitting Nicole's baby. For any of you who don't know Nicole, she's my best friend (whom I've know since eigth grade), and she's really, really pregnant. It was a cool dream, complete with the sensation of holding the baby against my shoulder, and the smell of baby head. In my dream, the baby was really chubby, which was surprising because Nicole is tiny, and I don't think the baby will be heavier than six pounds in real life. Anyway, it was SO awesome, and I can't wait to be an Aunt!!!

Today's kind of a sad day in Colorado. It seems that half the state is ablaze, and sooty clouds of air have moved in over the entire valley (referred to as the "Front Range), which makes it seem like a giant storm is brewing. It doesn't help that everything is making me want to cry today. I'm not sure why that is, I think I just miss the daily human interraction I left behind in San Jose. I know it's good for me to get away and do some soul-searching, but it's just not really my style, makes me feel naked and abandoned. The good news, however, is that I went for a drive yesterday and found a beautiful park with a view of mountains and jutting rocks just perfect for figuring your life out among. I walked along the trails and sat down for a while and just watched and listened. Have you ever just sat, closed your eyes, and tried to pick out every single separate sound that you could hear? It's incredibly meditative. I had a nice, relaxing run of it until I opened my eyes and realized that the entire ground around my booty was moving. Ants in my sandals and on my feet, I decided to get up and walk again. If any of you want to come visit me in Colorado, I'll take you there (with a blanket). You will not be disappointed.

Yesterday my Dad rented a Harley and went out riding with some of his friends from work. When he got back he and I went for our own ride, and man oh man, it made me miss riding!! This morning we went out again, and as we were about to take this little curve, my Dad broke harder than was necessary for what seemed like no reason whatsoever, and we headed into the curve really slowly. As we were rounding the curve, a HUGE-ass dog walked into the road, and my Dad had to go into the other lane to avoid hitting it. When we were pulling away, he said, "I don't know why I broke like that, I guess I just sensed something."

More proof for my theory that riding motorcycles puts one in-touch with their intuition. It's something about the open air that gets your mind wandering into all these places that you didn't even know existed, and you are all of a sudden the smartest person you know. I was riding on the back of my ex-boyfriend's bike when it occurred to me that he was a lying meanie. I was on the back of his bike when I realized that he was cheating on me. And I was riding a bike that I myself had rented when I figured out who he was cheating on me with. I guess, in a way, I sensed a big-ass dog of my own. But anyway, riding is like that.

Riding around in the hills yesterday made me think of the trip that he and I took out here (from San Jose) a few years ago. Thinking about it now, I can't believe we made it all this way. His starter broke in Yosemite (the very first day) and from there on out we were parking on hills and push-starting it, and leaving the engine running when we got gas. Now, ex-boyfriend was not a big fan of anything that detracted from the sleak and powerful look of his Fat Boy. So a back-rest was not happening, and a nice, cushy, comfortable seat for me was out of the question. I ended up riding all the way out here on what looked like 1/6 of a tire, and it was about as soft. On the last day, about 30 miles away from our final destination, we pulled off the road in the Rockies for a little break. We parked on a hill, but I guess we didn't park up high enough, or else the bike was just SICK and tired of going, because it would NOT start. We pushed and pushed and I don't know if you've ever tried to push-start a Harley on flat ground, but let me tell you it was HARD, and I started to cry after it didn't start on the 7th attempt. Characteristic of ex-boyfriend, he chose to yell at me rather than sympathize. He said, "What are you doing crying?! Crying is not going to get it started!!!!" (in a thick, German accent). He had a point, and his lack of TLC pissed me much so that I put my everything into that last push, and the thing finally kicked up. I'm sure, now, that he did it on purpose (pissed me off), and it worked. All in all, though, I wouldn't have minded sitting on the side of the road and pouting a bit. I had earned the right, had never complained once about my swollen ass and the fact that I was just TIRED of riding behind his big, stupid head. Sorry, I just had to get that out.

So anyway, the bike has been returned, and I've decided that I want to buy one some day. What an incredible have the wind all around you and to be able to smell all the smells and feel the curves of the road. If you've never ridden (even on the back), you should give it a try. Somehow, in some way, it's like being connected with nature, and we could all use a little more of that (especially us San Jose residents).

And just to clarify, part of what's making me want to cry about everything today has nothing to do with being sad. Do you ever want to cry because everything is just so beautiful? If not, then I'm sure that sounds weird, but I think that everybody I know could identify with this feeling. Because I still haven't been officially hired anywhere and have a lot of time on my hands, I was watching A Baby Story on T.V. earlier today. I don't normally watch that show as I am years away from wanting a baby of my own, and in that state of mind, all the babies on the show come out looking the same. Today was different, though. When the featured Mama's baby came out and the doctor handed him to her, she kept saying, "Oh, my beautiful baby, oh my beautiful baby, thank you God, thank you God." It was the 'thank you God' that got me, got me all choked-up and watery-eyed, thinking about what an amazing thing it really is. And what a gift. In that way, I envy Nicole. Her body is doing the most incredible thing the human body can do...creating new life...a WHOLE NEW LIFE - where there was NOTHING before. It blows my mind, and she is going to be a great, great mother. I can only hope to know that kind of miracle some day.

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